levels or wide-open spaces?

feline | The Everyday Tiara | Wednesday, May 29th, 2013

Consciousness isn’t (I don’t think) like steps - you start here and climb up to there. I think it’s like a pulse. No, an infinite number of pulses. I breathe in, you breathe out; we push, we pull; in and out - like that. I can’t say that I’m “ahead” of someone regarding spiritual growth - how can it be measured? How do we know?

Then again, even though that was merely an example (above - that I would want to say that I’m “ahead” of someone), it makes me wonder why I am thinking about things like that anyway! As I focus on the shrinking of my ego, these types of questions are the ones that create the most work!

This process is like going to the gym. The Soft Bunny and I were talking tonight about how the spiritual journey (ours in particular, as we seem to be travelmates) is like school - Spiritual School! But honestly, to me, it’s as draining as an athletic venture - in the same way, I mean. Except that it’s all in the MIND! Lawdy, it’s a good kind of ache… I seem to require serious downtime some of these days. My stars!

what kinda journey?

feline | The Everyday Tiara | Sunday, May 26th, 2013

What is a spiritual journey, anyway? Maybe all of the journey -that is, life- is spiritual. Perhaps we all experience it differently. As I continue to explore looking at things in ways other than a hierarchical form, I wonder what other options there are. Not in layers (that’s hierarchical, right?), so i waves? A flow? Can I say that I am “ahead of” someone else on this spiritual journey? I think not.

Because an insight is new to me, doesn’t mean it’s not old business to someone else. Maybe the person who judges others is “ahead of” me.

You know what? I haven’t a clue.

Do you have one?

spiritual muscles

feline | The Everyday Tiara | Friday, May 24th, 2013

Do you want to know what’s exhausting?

Spiritual journeys, that’s what.

As I struggle to refocus my gaze from such things as judgment and fear and old, old patterns, I find that my energy wanes earlier in the day than it once did. This seems to go beyond “just plain tired” and is more like exhausted in a DEEP place in the center of my bones. But not quite that either.

This is the feeling of aching spiritual muscles after another workout. Maybe I need the equivalent of Epsom salts. Hot herbal tea? Meditation? (That’s a silly question. Meditation is *always* necessary.) Some kind of mental stretching?

I can see why so many people avoid this kind of work. Not just because of the aching, but the work is ongoing. Relentless. I can’t redirect my gaze (so to speak) away from judgment only three days a week and go hog wild the rest of the time.  The way I see the world, my place in it, your place in it - it all began to shift and change and there’s no going back.

This is not a complaint, by the way. Observations, my friend. Observations. Until I find my spiritual Epsom salts, I’ll continue to do the next right thing. When I don’t know what that is, I’ll  meditate. Or dip into the old chore list.  

Osama Bin Laden: Dead

feline | The Everyday Tiara | Sunday, May 1st, 2011

http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/05/02/obama-binladen-idUSWNA743620110502

 

How many lives have been lost on and since 9/11?

What a horrible, horrible man.

The powerful pull of lust…

feline | The Everyday Tiara | Thursday, December 2nd, 2010

My friend Kitten and I have been in deep, ongoing discussion about our absurdly similar pasts and how events from those times are continuing to affect us now. The topic has to do with what my therapist calls “covert incest”1 – something that I can claim for myself, and possibly Kitten would for herself too. The definition below does not make as big a deal as my therapist does about the sexual nature of the covert incest relationship. And no, I do not believe I was molested by my father. However, we “dated” for a year – my 16th year- when we were home alone. Inappropriateness occurred. Things happened and words were spoken that have been crucial in the shaping of what would become my adult life. Hell, my teen to present life.

As I shared about what seems like an addiction –but to a person, rather than a drug or other substance- Kitten said, “I wouldn’t know how to reach through the powerful pull of lust combined with abandonment. Please don’t leave me! Love me! F*ck me!”

That statement sums it all up for me: There’s the sense of abandonment –my parents were not always parental- and then the need for emotional support. And love. And being sexualized as a girl from early on, I believe, only seals the deal on what I’ll call my emotional paralysis.

This has been on my mind a lot lately, too, as it’s all interconnected: Being sexualized as a girl, that is. This seems to occur to varying degrees to most of us (females), at least those in western culture. But when a parent turns his daughter into his girlfriend, the sexualization  is even more intense. Because the idea is that home is where we  learn to function out there; dad teaches us (girls) how to relate to other males; parents and home should always be safe, and when they’re not, I believe the lack of safety gets woven into this whole mess of emotional paralysis.

The end result is messy, to say the least. I’m calling it “emotional paralysis,” but it’s anything but stagnant or unmoving. It really is like an addiction: An addiction to a FEELING. “This is the feeling [or like the feeling] I got when my needs for love and emotional support were met by my parent!” And no matter how insane the relationship is, no matter how potentially dangerous, unhealthy, or just plain WRONG it is, the covert incest survivor goes back for more. SHE HAS TO. It’s like getting a fix. Hell, it IS a fix.

And what happens when we don’t get that fix? My roommate likened it to sugar, which for me is a drug: “That blah feeling you get when you start to go off sugar,” he said, and that’s exactly how it feels. Empty, gray, meaningless… in need of that rush, the fill, the chase, the thrill. There is nothing good about this, I’m telling you.

Well, what may be good is that one can recover from this – I’m not sure how just yet, but there groups, and the website below (from which I snagged the description of covert incest) seems intent on doing some work around this issue.

So what am I telling you? You may be wondering, “FW, what the hell? Were you molested as a child?” No. “Are you in a sick or unhealthy relationship?” Chances are good that if I’m in a relationship, it is unhealthy (not necessarily a reflection on the other person – this is about me, my history, my reactions, and so on). The other person in the relationship is the “substance” and the addiction has everything to do with the addict – why do I need this? why do I obsess? why do I keep myself in a bad place when it’s interfering with my work/school/daily activities? (And it may interfere with some, all, or none of those.)

One would think that I would simply step away from relationships of all kinds, right? BACK IT UP, SISTER! But no, I think not. For now, I will continue to plunge myself into the churning waters of human interaction, because if nothing else, I do have hope that, like I have with other serious issues, I can work through this one.

Someone might want to mention to my therapist that we have in fact finally hit the tar pit… the power source of all this messiness.

 

1. Covert incest typically occurs in families where one parent (the shadow parent) does not actively participate in family affairs, thus setting the stage for the other parent (the invasive parent) to turn to a child for emotional support. The invasive parent in effect makes the child a surrogate spouse who is forced to take on the responsibilities of the shadow parent. The roles are essentially reversed; instead of the parent looking after the child, the child is responsible for the parent’s well being. This is a terrible burden for a child to carry, as a child is incapable of meeting the emotional needs of an adult. CovertIncest.org, http://www.covertincest.org/content/why-it-happens

Why, oh why is WP toying with me?

feline | The Everyday Tiara | Monday, October 25th, 2010

There are weird formatting issues using the WP editor. It makes me weepish.

What is love?

feline | The Everyday Tiara | Monday, October 25th, 2010

This song came to mind just now: Howard Jones’ "What is Love?" (lyrics below)

The question is a good one - how do we know what it is, or if, when we feel it, it’s real? How do you trust what appears to be love? They can change over time, they can ebb, flow, rise, fall… and not always in concert. That is, in a romantic couple, the feelings of one may not mirror the other’s. Then what?

Love isn’t limited to romance, of course. There is love among friends… I’ve loved friends, lost the friendships, and never stopped loving those people. Sometimes they even come back into my life.

People, they come, they go; sometimes they come back again. Even when they don’t, the spaces in my heart for them don’t close. (Okay, maybe a few times there’s been the echoing sounds of a chamber door slamming shut!)

I know a man who says that he’ll never trust another person (woman) so deep are the wounds from several past wives. It appears that he’s serious, too. I don’t think I could do that. It’s difficult to imagine what would have to happen to shut me down in that way.

Me… I’ll love again. Oh, hell – I already love. I didn’t stop loving. I think that from the minute I was born, I loved. There were sources that tried to keep me from loving, I suppose you could say; FelineWarrior is one resilient cat, that’s for sure.

For me, love goes on and on and on. It just looks different, feels different, in different situations. It scares people sometimes, I think, when they are the recipients of love. I wish it weren’t so; love is such a precious (if plentiful) commodity. To feel it, as to share it, is a wonderful, wonderful expression.

What is Love?

I love you whether or not you love me
I love you even if you think that I don’t.
Sometimes I find you doubt my love for you but I don’t mind.
Why should I mind? Why should I mind?
What is love anyway?
Does anybody love anybody anyway?
What is love anyway?
Does anybody love anybody anyway?
Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear
Never worry never be sad?The answer is they cannot love this much
nobody can.
This is why I don’t mind you doubting.
What is love anyway?. . .
And maybe love is letting people be just
what they want to be
The door always must be left unlocked.
To love when circumstance may lead someone away from you
And not to spend the time just doubting.What is love anyway? . . .

Musical memoirs of a punkrockesha

feline | The Everyday Tiara | Sunday, October 24th, 2010

You know how the Google-box is: One minute you’re trying to relive youthful memories of punk rock gigs around Orange County, CA, the next minute, you’re hip-deep in videos of some of the best bands ever.

I had the good fortune to grow up at a time when the punk rock scene was exploding on the west coast and the even better fortune to see much of it up close and personal. Today, I came across some videos that I will share with you - musical memoirs of a punkrockesha, if you will.

It was my original intent to write a bunch about this, but alas, the reason I was able to watch so many videos was that I was home with a cold; I slept on and off throughout the day, never finished the post, and so here’s an abbreviated version of the original post.

Let’s start with a few interviews of two members of one of my favorite bands: X.

Exene Cervenka: http://swindlemagazine.com/issueicons/exene-cervenka

Billy Zoom: http://www.popmatters.com/pm/article/billy-zoom-puts-x-in-perspective

Onto the videos!

X: Los Angeles: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGhgdxoPQbE and

Johnny Hit and Run Paulene: www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRWunSUmEm4

Fear: www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8B2WuudHXs

Circle Jerks @ Stardust Ballroom, c. 1984:www.viddler.com/explore/VideoLouis/videos/244/14.571#

Tex and the Horseheads @ Black radio, c. 1986: www.viddler.com/explore/VideoLouis/videos/206/

The Minutemen @ Club Lingerie, c. 1984: www.viddler.com/explore/VideoLouis/videos/256/

Gang Green (no info): www.viddler.com/explore/UndrgroundMusic/videos/2/

The Germs: www.viddler.com/explore/UndrgroundMusic/videos/7/

Black Flag (with lyrics, oddly enough): www.viddler.com/explore/UndrgroundMusic/videos/6/

Eddie and the Subtitles: www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHyMnOKe93s&feature=related (sadly no actual video, just an album cover - these were Fullerton boys!)

The Avengers @ The Masque c. 1978: www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZrQ33NbSbY

Here’s a fab database of shows and venues: www.flipsidefanzine.com/Liveshowhome.html

And there’s great vids here, too: http://punkrocksaves.blogspot.com/

…and now it’s bedtime for the FW!

America’s Sweetheart is at it again… Coulter speech cancelled over fears of violence

feline | The Everyday Tiara | Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010
Technorati Tags: ,

CTV Montreal - Coulter speech cancelled over fears of violence - CTV News

Updated: Tue Mar. 23 2010 9:03:01 PM
CTV.ca News Staff

“The University of Ottawa cancelled a speech by U.S. firebrand conservative Ann Coulter late Tuesday, just moments before its scheduled start, because organizers feared protesters would turn violent.

As people were still making their way into the venue, the building had to be evacuated when a fire alarm was triggered.

The incident followed a Monday night lecture at the University of Western Ontario, where Coulter told a Muslim student to "take a camel" as an alternative to flying.””

Conspiracy Theorist: Taylor Swift wins “Artist of the Year” - American Music Awards Nominees and Winners 2009 | HULIQ

feline | The Everyday Tiara | Sunday, November 22nd, 2009

Oh GAWD. I’ve just become a conspiracy theorist.

Taylor Swift won Artist of the Year.

 

Clearly I should start making records. I can use the money from all those record sales, concerts, and such. And a sparkly guitar would be REALLY cool.

 

American Music Awards Nominees and Winners 2009 | HULIQ

 

Taylor Swift… really?!

feline | The Everyday Tiara | Sunday, November 22nd, 2009

 

Why, God, WHY?!?!

ABC.com - 2009 American Music Awards – Home

 

 

Interracial couple denied marriage license in La.

feline | The Everyday Tiara | Thursday, October 15th, 2009

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091015/ap_on_re_us/us_interracial_rebuff

“NEW ORLEANS – A Louisiana justice of the peace said he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, says it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.”

FAVORITE (bad) QUOTE: “I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way,” Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

Sheer insanity. What year is it?

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